The Writing Topic

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Beato
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Beato » Thu Nov 18, 2010 6:18 pm

I'm not going to be able to do it in 30 days, that's for sure. xD I'll probably take my time writing it but I eventually want to write them all. Maybe I'll save them up and then post them so that it is actually a letter a day-- posted, anyway. :'D

I'm not even done my first letter yet, though and I've bawled through the whole thing. Intense is definitely the right word. OTL;;

Freshly finished!

Here it is:
Dear Best Friend,

To be honest, I'm not actually sure what I should write to you because I know at this point that things have gotten so far beyond repair that for you I probably don't hold the same 'best friend' position anymore as you still do for me. In fact, I know I don't. It's not hard to tell from your actions, what you say, be they directly to me or not, and (especially) what you don't say. Doesn't change the fact that it stings, though. Quite a bit, actually.

I still to this day have no idea what it was that pushed you so far away. I thought once you went back home that things would be better. Guess I was wrong. I thought things had been worked out that night in the tent during camping but when we got back it seemed like things only got worse. Apparently worse enough that you got to the point where you couldn't handle the friendship anymore. I never thought things would get that bad. And again, I still have no idea what I did wrong to make you feel like I wasn't worth it anymore. Like I'm still not worth it, despite trying to fix things and rid myself of my feelings for you.

I realize my feelings are probably the only thing keeping you around, and only because you feel guilty about them. You have no idea how sorry I am for that. I honestly wish I could take back saying them. I knew what the consequenses of telling you could be, but when I thought I'd lose you I panicked and said it anyway and now I'm putting us both through the misery of this awkward relationship because I'm too selfish to say 'let's stop'. I can't help it. You've been such a vital part of my life that even if I didn't love you more than you thought I did, I'd probably do the same thing, no matter how much I know you would hate it and how much I know it would hurt me.

I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to make you fully understand just how much I care about you and just how much watching you replace me kills me inside. I can't make you understand how much it hurts to see you dedicating your time to someone else. (When do I get my dedicated weekend? Day? Even just an hour or two, specifically for me?) I can't make you understand how much it hurts to see so many Facebook statuses that are so similar to the ones we once shared. I can't make you understand how much I miss our old nonsensical conversations online when you'd stay up late on school nights just for me. I can't make you understand how much it hurts to know that you would rather roleplay with someone else despite my efforts to try and fix my horrible writers block and plotting habits. And that I can't make you understand that it kills me that you will never think of me and feel for me as a sister as you once did. But what's worse is that I don't know why I can't make you understand. Do I not deserve an answer as to why it's so unbearable for you to be so near to me anymore?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to put blame on you for this. I did this to myself. I seem to have a knack for pushing people away. Lately I've been wondering whether it would have been better to end quickly back then than to let it end so cripplingly slow as it feels like it's ending now. But it's because I still think of you so highly that I can't let go.

You've been there for me on countless occasions when I needed someone and there was no one else. You were right there beside me both times I'd been hurt to almost irreparable points and have been an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, and held me when I needed to be held. You've comforted me. You've made me laugh. You've made me cry. You've been offended on my behalf. You've been the only constant in my life for the last three plus years. You've told me before that I saved you-- but the truth is, honestly I think it's the other way around.

You've made me so happy in these last three years that they feel like a lifetime even though in actuality they're barely the tip off the iceburg of my life. I miss the days when we had sleepovers every other weekend and stayed up well past the time your mom told us to go to bed, giggling and talking. I miss going to the mall and just hanging out, doodling in the food court before getting character ice creams and going back to one of our houses. I miss getting ready for special events together. I miss being able to comfort and console you in your dark moments. I miss being your first choice for comfort and consolation. I miss getting in trouble with you. I miss being scared with you. I miss having fun with you.

I miss you.
Last edited by Beato on Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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AriaHime
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by AriaHime » Thu Nov 18, 2010 8:35 pm

I really liked the story about the train station, Beato-san! It was lovely. ^_^
The 30 letters thing sounds...intense. I might try it. Not sure if I'll post, though. I'm a little too introverted for that.
I'll post some poems I wrote recently, though. Just picked up writing again recently, so I'm a little rusty. I'd love to see what other people think, though. Seeing everyone else's writing has kinda inspired me.
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Yatchen » Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:12 pm

@Beato ;__;
What a terrible best friend for...abandoning you? Have you talked to them directly about this?
They probably don't know how to...feel about it, and it won't go anywhere good if you don't say anything.

So far, I think day five (your dreams) has been the hardest for me. It was hard to...look at what I'd dreamed of and actually face the truth that I hadn't, haven't, gotten where I want to. And that I may not. But it's a disorganized mess of a letter (stream of consciousness, whoo!), so I won't post it.
私は悪魔です。

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RockRabbit
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by RockRabbit » Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:28 pm

;A; my~ you guys all seem so tallented! I still have a few things left to read, as I am a slow poke and all that~
But I wanted to share this with you~
It's called "The Waiting" and it's not mine; it's written by my ex-girlfriend. I absolutely love this story and I thought you might like it as well, so here~

Also, please excuse the mistakes, since english isn't her native language~ :3
"waiting for the bus?"
i looked up from the book with a surprised expression on my face, when you stood suddenly next to me. i didn't notice anyone, totally caught by the lines of this story, so no wonder that you came like from heaven for me.
"uhm, yeah."
"why?"
what the...? there you stood, with this fragile smile on your lips, mysterious and difficult to read. your dark hair was bound to a ponytail, a red and screaming bag at your right side.
i think i looked like a fish trying to catch some air, trying to speak, but no words came out through my lips. it's not like you gave me the time to put myself together, when you suddenly took my hand out of nowhere. small fingers grabbing for mine, warm and hot.
"so...let's go."
this silent whisper reached my ear like a blow of the wind, when your eyes met mine like a lightning is meets a tree. it wasn't a meeting - to be honest, it was more like something electrical went through me...
..when my feet started to move.
you turned around, still your fingers touching mine in a non-letting-go hold. it's not like i tried out to escape you. how can i escape a magnet, when my soul is made out of stardust...?
my feet were moving without any control, just following you, your steps, your way of walking. as you wish. your rhythm. left right, left right, a little bit faster, then slower. and in between you just stopped for a second, to turn around, to look at me, to smile - and to move again forward.
i wanted to speak. i wanted to ask you questions my lips never told me how to ask. "where do you want to go with me?", "why are you here?", "do you know me?". but everytime you stopped to smile at me, my mind was burned down and all i could do was - to smile.
sometimes, when my head worked, i could notice that we are not on streets anymore. that we are not going to another bus station. that this is grass, that this is a park. that there is you. and still your warm and gentle fingers around mine like we used to walk this way million times before.
and then you turned around with a sigh, a little bit tumbling towards me, so i had the wish just to hold you up. your eyes are invisible for me, secretly hidden behind a deep and dark forest of eyelashes. your hair smelled like peaches, when your head fell on my chest.
and still the fingers holding mine.
"a-are we...are we w-we there?"
my voice seemed to be broken somehow, unstable and insecure. i didn't know where you would lead me to, i didn't even know what i was doing here. why i went with you. but maybe these fingers, your fingers, your way of being ..maybe this all was too attractive.
i saw your head slowly shaking followed by a quiet sighing.
"we are not deep enough, not hidden enough to let you eat my soul."
confused.
"what are you talking about..?"
your finger let go of me. oh no, don't do that. don't take your fingers away from mine.
but there, they come back, crawling up my shirt up to my face, running like raindrops over my face.
"oh, no need anymore. i think you can have it right here."
and then you did it. you just took my face between your fingers, and every fingertip burned on my skin like a secret sign forever. i think i can never let go of this feeling of warm fingers. of your fingers.
like the wind you moved forward to my face, just to barley touch my lips with yours. i can't even say it was a kiss, because i felt like you just touched me gently. you opened your mouth, and i could smell the sweet scent of fruit bubblegum. you pressed your lips on mine, and i was sure to taste the fruits later on, when you were already gone after all.
maybe it isn't worth telling someone, and maybe your warm fingers just took my mind away...maybe i just fantasized, but still - i had the feeling, i got a part of you in me after this.
when you moved backwards, i had the feeling to lose something important, and then it were my fingers moving forward to you, grabbing your shirt, with a silent "no" on my lips.
"why...?" i asked with a lack of breath. i had the feeling it was her taking my breath away, and not me taking hers.
she seems to hesitate, even to struggle with herself, before this magnificient smile came back on her face. her hands moved to mine, warm and soft touching them, but still removing from her own shirt.
"because."
"because what..?"
"you will never miss me then anymore..."
she pulled my fingers to her lips, kissed them like for a last goodbye. i knew i won't feel her warm skin today again...
"but what if...?"
she didn't answer, just smiled again and asked me again.
"waiting for the bus?"
and i didn't want to let go of her. i felt like she was shortly before disappearing again. and maybe forever. what did she mean with that? maybe i got a part of her soul, maybe this was special. but it wasn't enough. you can't come into my life, give me all that new feelings and then just go. you can't, you are not allowed, i don't want that.
and so i reached out my hands for you, pulled her like a strong storm is pulling and taking a tree out of its roots...wanting, needing, holding, keeping forever.
"not anymore", i whispered with this same smile she gave me the last seconds, minutes, maybe hours.
and i think she fell.
- but i don't think it hurt.
...i missed the bus, and the next, but i stopped waiting for it.
  • Your lips, you lies, your lust;; Like the devil's in your hands
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Beato
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Beato » Thu Nov 18, 2010 10:56 pm

Thank you, Aria-san. ^^ <3
I can't wait to see what you've written. <3 The 30 Letters challenge isn't for everyone. I think it's particularly good for personal growth, though, so even if you don't want to post it, I think everyone should at least give it a shot. <3

She never used to be like that, Yatchen-san. ; _;'' Or rather, she never used to be like that to me. OTL;
I've certainly tried saying something to her. She'll apologize but the next day it'll be like we didn't even talk. Or she'll acknowledge it and try and be a decent friend but it only lasts a couple days before again, it goes back to the way it was before we talked. OTL; I'm terrified to show her the letter when I finish, but I'm sincerely hoping it will maybe get my point across. ; _;''

Rabbit-san, that's an absolutely beautiful story. ; A;


Edit:
Finished my letter! Edited the last bit into the whole thing if you want to read it.

Here's letter two!
Dear Crush,

This letter seems a little silly to write after the first one. I'm not really sure what to say after the last letter. I'm not sure what else there is to say other than that I'm sorry again.

I know you don't feel the same. I don't expect you to, nor do I really want you to. Even if you did, I strictly believe there's too much an age difference between us for anything good to come of it. Those reasons, along with you asking me not to, was why I didn't and won't pursue anything with certain friends of yours in fear of the awkwardness that would come of it.

You know very well that I will not force these feelings on you and that if I could take it back, I would. But pushing me away isn't going to force the feelings away. I love the person you used to be-- the person who you are with anyone who isn't me. The person you are around me now may be less than desirable but you of all people should know that love is unconditional.

I really don't know what more I can say. I said a lot of it in the day one letter-- I'm aware this is probably what's keeping you around and I'm aware I can't make you understand anything and I'm aware that I did this to myself. You can't help who you love. But believe me when I say that I'm trying very, very hard to get over these feelings. Not just for the sake of whatever you can call this relationship, but also for my own sake.
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Beato
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Beato » Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:46 am

Small update for those curious: the friendship ended tonight.
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Yatchen
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Yatchen » Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:54 pm

Awww. I'm sorry for you, Beato. ;w;
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Yuki2 » Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:28 pm

I just caught onto this thread, I'm really sorry to hear for you Beato, I know how it feels, really. I was in the same situation as you are a couple years ago, and it hurt. So I reach out for you. I hope things will get better for you.

On a more positive note, here's my tumblr link to my original stories. You all have such pretty works. ;w;
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by AriaHime » Mon Nov 22, 2010 8:38 pm

I'm so sorry, Beato. Fortunately I've never had that sort of thing happen to me but it is a fear of mine. I can imagine all too well how hard that would be.

I like your stories, Yuki-san~! Especially "Poem" and "Love Story"~
Finally got the rest of my stuff up...they're all poems...only thing I feel up to writing at the moment, lol.
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Beato
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Beato » Mon Nov 22, 2010 9:29 pm

I-it's okay. I have Shuu, so I'll live. Q_Q;;
I'm loving everyone's writing, by the way.

This is a poem I had to write for Creative Writing 12 a few years ago. The assignment instructions are in the description if any of you want to try it. It was really fun. <3
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Deoxys
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Deoxys » Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:27 am

It might be silly to ask now, but is anyone else participating in NaNoWriMo this year? I'm currently at 42000 words and I might reach the 50000 words in two or tree days, just in time! :D

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Yatchen
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Yatchen » Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:07 am

I started to want to join on the 15th, rofl.
So I decided not to.
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Merun » Tue Nov 23, 2010 1:13 pm

I'm not participating but I have started to write something at the beginning of the month, which is as of now, 54 000 words long. But no, I can't post it here because it's against the rules xD.
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Kagemaru
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Kagemaru » Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:04 pm

I'm participating, but I've made mine a mini-NaNo. Goal's 10.000 words by the end of the month. I found out that writing under pressure makes me hugely agitated and frustrated if I can't get on paper what I had in mind. Plus it takes away all of the fun I have when writing. So I decided to shorten it and doing pretty well, actually! :)

As for this topic...I think a E-ChuuChuu related short story is in order, no? XD (I'll get on that after the NaNo~)

Deoxys and (if you've got one) Merun, account names plz? Mine's Titi. :)
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Re: The Writing Topic

Post by Merun » Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:21 pm

Well I have no account, and I can't post the draft here because, it's quite NSFW xD. I had some idea for chuu for a long time, and since it is quite hard to pull it as a normal one, I thought of just writing down the story.
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