I'm not even done my first letter yet, though and I've bawled through the whole thing. Intense is definitely the right word. OTL;;
Here it is:
Dear Best Friend,
To be honest, I'm not actually sure what I should write to you because I know at this point that things have gotten so far beyond repair that for you I probably don't hold the same 'best friend' position anymore as you still do for me. In fact, I know I don't. It's not hard to tell from your actions, what you say, be they directly to me or not, and (especially) what you don't say. Doesn't change the fact that it stings, though. Quite a bit, actually.
I still to this day have no idea what it was that pushed you so far away. I thought once you went back home that things would be better. Guess I was wrong. I thought things had been worked out that night in the tent during camping but when we got back it seemed like things only got worse. Apparently worse enough that you got to the point where you couldn't handle the friendship anymore. I never thought things would get that bad. And again, I still have no idea what I did wrong to make you feel like I wasn't worth it anymore. Like I'm still not worth it, despite trying to fix things and rid myself of my feelings for you.
I realize my feelings are probably the only thing keeping you around, and only because you feel guilty about them. You have no idea how sorry I am for that. I honestly wish I could take back saying them. I knew what the consequenses of telling you could be, but when I thought I'd lose you I panicked and said it anyway and now I'm putting us both through the misery of this awkward relationship because I'm too selfish to say 'let's stop'. I can't help it. You've been such a vital part of my life that even if I didn't love you more than you thought I did, I'd probably do the same thing, no matter how much I know you would hate it and how much I know it would hurt me.
I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to make you fully understand just how much I care about you and just how much watching you replace me kills me inside. I can't make you understand how much it hurts to see you dedicating your time to someone else. (When do I get my dedicated weekend? Day? Even just an hour or two, specifically for me?) I can't make you understand how much it hurts to see so many Facebook statuses that are so similar to the ones we once shared. I can't make you understand how much I miss our old nonsensical conversations online when you'd stay up late on school nights just for me. I can't make you understand how much it hurts to know that you would rather roleplay with someone else despite my efforts to try and fix my horrible writers block and plotting habits. And that I can't make you understand that it kills me that you will never think of me and feel for me as a sister as you once did. But what's worse is that I don't know why I can't make you understand. Do I not deserve an answer as to why it's so unbearable for you to be so near to me anymore?
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to put blame on you for this. I did this to myself. I seem to have a knack for pushing people away. Lately I've been wondering whether it would have been better to end quickly back then than to let it end so cripplingly slow as it feels like it's ending now. But it's because I still think of you so highly that I can't let go.
You've been there for me on countless occasions when I needed someone and there was no one else. You were right there beside me both times I'd been hurt to almost irreparable points and have been an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, and held me when I needed to be held. You've comforted me. You've made me laugh. You've made me cry. You've been offended on my behalf. You've been the only constant in my life for the last three plus years. You've told me before that I saved you-- but the truth is, honestly I think it's the other way around.
You've made me so happy in these last three years that they feel like a lifetime even though in actuality they're barely the tip off the iceburg of my life. I miss the days when we had sleepovers every other weekend and stayed up well past the time your mom told us to go to bed, giggling and talking. I miss going to the mall and just hanging out, doodling in the food court before getting character ice creams and going back to one of our houses. I miss getting ready for special events together. I miss being able to comfort and console you in your dark moments. I miss being your first choice for comfort and consolation. I miss getting in trouble with you. I miss being scared with you. I miss having fun with you.
I miss you.