Hmm this is rare, but since I can't sleep because I'm writing this post in my mind, better put it on.
People must have noticed that I have been rather absent since the beginning of the year. So here is a rare page of history; because as much as may seem happy, I rarely reveal my distress. I'm rather introverted except with very few persons.
The end of last year has been pretty stressing for me. For reminder, I moderated the major party of the board. The beginning of the year was my iPhone game project, created in less than 2 week. We were 2, but I wrote 95% of the game, which is a space shooter.
After that, I have played some MMORPG, so as to rest, and with someone I greatly appreciate as I shared a lot with her. MMORPG is a great drug, and thankfully she was here as a support. That's also around that time I stopped coming on the board.
Semester was rather good college wise, since it's my best semester. However, 2 members of my family died, but I live 10 000km away from them. I do want to go back to my parental home but I can't.
Meanwhile, half of the semester was my internship in Canada. It started out horribly since I missed the plane; but got another. Then I lived with a classmate in the same flat for one month. Better say that it was rather horrible for me, as it seems that he mixed flatmate and wife. He shared too much of the domestic activity ( like laundry ), and was rather intrusive in the living room ( leaving his stuff there ) as well as my own room ( barging in and checking my stuff, even those in the drawer ). After one month I exploded and managed to change room. Hopefully my new flatmate was a very good friend.
Meanwhile, first month of my intern was good since I worked at my own pace. However I had to change company afterward. The new company was... shady. There are more interns than permanent members, like, by a factor of 2. I was also surprisingly the best technician even though I was just an intern; meaning that there was in fact no permanent to manage the computers and network, as well as server. Better say that it was an horrible mess when I arrived. I spent 1month and 2 weeks there; but I didn't get paid, unlike every other interns, which does make me angry. They weren't supposed to get paid at the beginning, but considering the revenues and how low cost it's running they could afford to pay a little bit of money. I did make a good share of the work since I have fixed every issues computer related, as well as setting up new ISP, fixing security flaws, even creating ads which is not what I was supposed to do. However the worst thing is that I have created a new payment system. This payment system isn't secure, because of the scope statement given by my boss. As a programer, this is a disturbing conflict and I did share my concern, but I had resigned to do it.
My internship finished at the end of July and I had a gameless period when I returned to France. I stopped playing MMORPG, and in fact, when I stop for a while a MMORPG, I lost interest in them. However I had promised to the person I mentioned at the beginning of the post that I would play again with her. Sadly with my indecisiveness it took some time and when I finally decided to tell her that I will stop, she got angry and we had a misunderstanding. For nearly 2 weeks we didn't talk, but hopefully things got resolved at the end, but our relationship is a bit different. I told her a lot of things about me, but this is no longer the case. I still like her, but well I guess my life is also a bit on the boring side. I don't know what I can tell her.
So during the period you haven't seen me, I think that what you call being depressive. I felt hollow, like everything I was doing was futile. I can do a lot of things, but it seemed like it wasn't fulfilling at all. I lost the impression that posting and moderating shuu gave me. The same goes for writing blog post. MMORPG are a wonderful drug. It's a period which changed me in something I don't like. I personally think that I'm a calm person, optimistic and patient. I also don't dislike people in general, unless they annoy me to no point. There are case that I got along with people I first hated. But in the span of 6 months, I became a worrier, someone who see the glass half empty instead of half full. I often seems happy when I'm not. But I grew harsher to some extent, mainly as I become impatient. First flatmate was stressing to no end. Second company made me ask myself a lot of question about myself. Am I doing the right thing? Is it worth it? Am I happy? What can fulfill me? What was I like last year?
Now this month, after 1 month of resting, I finally feel better. I played a lot of video game: Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, Starcraft II, Final Fantasy XIII, Resonance of Fate. They made me forgot all my worries I had cumulated and they aren't as addictive as a MMORPG; But I feel the best when I'm productive. Renewing with blog writing gave me back the fulfillment feeling I have long lost. Moderating quite a few picture gave back the sense of responsibilities I have lost. Posting reminded me of my long love for art. Now I feel better, though maybe not completely healed, it seems like I have recovered my old self from last year.